I Wasn't Born Yesterday

By G. E. Shuman

I was not born yesterday. If you know me, or if you are reading this in the paper and happen to have noticed the picture of the handsome man beside this column, you already know that I was not born yesterday. In fact, and just to make matters worse, that very picture was taken several years ago, and, likely, now shows a less-than-accurate depiction of the ‘real’ me. That is because photos tend to get worse with age. Also, if the picture actually looks handsome to you, you are obviously quite sight-impaired, mentally-impaired, a combination of both, or have glanced too far over on the page, at someone else’s picture.

No, I was not born yesterday. I say this because I got a phone call one recent evening, at nine, to be exact, from a lady representing “my” cable company. She, evidently, did think I was born yesterday. This lady, while never actually mentioning the name of “my” cable company, offered to send me a FREE cable box which would be of, apparently, invaluable ‘value’ to me, when “my” cable company “goes digital.” I very politely asked the lady if there were any costs associated with this ‘free’ box. Her reply was that it was free, for only six dollars a month. I, again, very politely told her that I saw nothing free in six dollars a month, and didn’t watch much TV, anyway. The truth is that I couldn’t have cared less if my cable company goes ‘digital’ or not. The number of digits that they have is of no concern to me, whatsoever. I later thought that I should have asked that lady for her personal phone number, so that I could call her at nine, one evening, to offer to send her some free gift… for only six dollars a month. Perhaps, I thought, she would like some of my old neckties or socks. You just never know.

Another group of people who must think that I was born yesterday are those dear folks at the credit card companies. Bless their hearts. They just LOVE writing to me, and keep me entertained with their wonderful offers, which arrive in my mail box nearly every day. Many days their combined kind-correspondences compete for space in that very mailbox. It is a fact; there are no more faithful people in the world than those credit card folks. Another truth is, as much as I would hate to hurt their feelings, I have had no credit cards, and no credit card debt for over a dozen years. I also desire to have none of either one, and don‘t mind being called a dinosaur because of that. Dinosaurs had their good points, after all. You know, some very well-meaning friends and relatives of ours have told my wife and me that we NEED to have cards, to establish credit. My question to them always has to do with why I need to establish something, when I don’t WANT that something. As far as credit cards are concerned, if I can’t afford a thing I want to buy today, why would I want to pay MORE for it, later? I’m no math genius, but that just doesn’t add up, to me. Years ago I learned that buying something and having to keep paying for it after it is down the drain, is not all that enjoyable a thing to do. (Note: This analogy is especially accurate, literal, and takes place at an exceedingly rapid velocity, when paying for a restaurant meal with a credit card. This happens, even more effectively, when the food is Mexican.) Also, years ago I also learned that those nice credit card people are not always so nice if you fail to send them a monthly check after accepting one of their very generous offers. I still enjoy receiving their letters, though. With the cost of fuel oil, my fireplace often enjoys them, too.

Now, let’s talk for a moment about automobile ads. I know. They don’t make ‘automobiles’ anymore. So, let’s talk for a moment about car ads. One local franchise recently offered me a new, FREE, hi-def TV, if I just bought a new car from them. Wow! I could use a new, FREE, hi-def TV. Couldn’t you? Well, those nice folks must really think all of us were born yesterday. They may know that some of us were. If you were, and are tempted by this offer, just remember that those car guys are not there to give away TVs… at least I don’t think they are. Remember, too, that they probably paid only a few hundred dollars for your free gift, and by just sneaking in an extra payment, or lowering your trade-in allowance a bit, they can actually make a buck or two extra, in giving you that ‘FREE’ TV. Also, since you are really paying for it in the first place, I wonder why they should get to pick our your new TV for you. You might get a better one by buying it for yourself. But then, I guess, it wouldn’t be ‘free’ and not nearly as much fun to take home. While on the subject of cars, I have often wondered what in the world balloons have to do with cars. Evidently, if a car dealership has gone to the trouble of tying balloons to the antennas of all their cars, there must be something very special going on that day. Perhaps one of the new cars is having a birthday. If so, I don’t want that one… but I do like the balloons; especially the big red ones.

Okay, friends and neighbors. If I could make just one request of you, it would be that you never purchase any-thing, any-way, any-how, that is advertised on television for $19.95. (plus shipping and handling, of course.) I once actually had a friend who was in that business, and he confided something in me. On my honor, he said that when you sell something on one of those TV ads, the shipping and handling covers ALL of your costs… including the shipping, handling, product cost, ,advertising cost, and the lunch date you had with the pretty advertising girl to clinch the deal. The $19.95 is all profit. How about that? This makes it easy to say in your ad: “But wait! We’re going to double the offer! You now get TWO plastic whiz-bang gizmos for the price of one! (Just pay EXTRA shipping and handling.) Humm. What was it that P.T. Barnum once said?

Next, but not last, I wish to make just a short comment on the subject of ‘fast’ food restaurants. Please understand that I do frequent those establishments, but not as frequently as I used to frequent them. (Frequent: An adjective sometimes used as a verb, but not usually twice in the same sentence, as I have done here.) Unlike my students, I had lousy high school English teachers. So, to make my intended point, at a fast-food restaurant you generally get food that is not fast, by standing in line, waiting on yourself, and even dispensing your own drink. You get to eat on paper, clean up after yourself, consume food that is not great and not great for you, and then be, ‘figuratively’, dying of a salt-induced thirst by the time you get home. You may also be ‘actually’ dying of a fat-induced cardiac arrest sometime in your near future. All of this, while you have it your way, in the presence of a clown, a king, or a little girl named Wendy.

Last, but anything but least, I wish to warn you about TV preachers. Those guys ALL think we were born yesterday. Please know that I am a Christian, and a follower of my Lord Jesus. I am NOT a follower of TV preachers in thousand-dollar suits, who aren’t even able to say the name of God without adding a ‘da’ at the end, as in God-da, and don’t even part their hair. (That hair thing has always bothered me. I guess they don’t want to choose sides, or something.) I never send those guys a nickel, and think that you shouldn’t either. Anyone who tells me that I will be blessed by sending them money should send their money to me. I would love the chance to bless them, and buy myself a thousand-dollar suit. Remember this: True Christians aren’t after your money. They just want you to get saved. (Please write to me, anytime, for more information. vtpenner@gmail.com) The gift is actually free, and there is no shipping and handling.

Having said all of this, I will admit that, occasionally, I, too, fall for the allurement of a good sales pitch. This happened the very night that I proposed to my wife. But I shopped very carefully before making that commitment, and have never regretted it. (Yes, she reads this column. And no, I am not stupid.)

Someday soon I might also be in the market for a new car. I’m going to shop carefully then, too. I intend to buy one that comes with a balloon; a great big red one!