She Left Me

By G. E. Shuman

She left me, you know. She really did. After nearly thirty-eight years of wedded bliss… (Well, bliss is sort of a strong word.) she packed a bag and left last Saturday, February 20th. I know what you’re thinking. You can’t believe it. Just think how I feel. Our daughter Emily flew south with her, leaving my poor son Andrew and me to fend for ourselves this long, cold February week. I hope we don’t starve or something. Oh, woe is me! This, all happening during Andrew’s basketball playoffs week, no less.
I just have to wonder what I did to make this happen. There are so many questions. Could I have prevented it? Why did I not see it coming? I really should have known, with all of those recent phone calls to travel companies. And the internet searches I saw her doing, (for hotel rooms, no less)… Oh, woe is me again! I know it now, that all of it was planned weeks in advance. And to think, she never let on that anything was wrong, IF anything was wrong. I guess the spouse is often the last to know. Then there was the day she actually called me at work to ask if I knew where the luggage was. How naïve could I have been? Indeed, how naïve I was! I guess I was just blinded by love and trust. And then there was the new haircut that very week, and the new clothes that ended up in that luggage I actually helped her locate. Wow! My only consolation is that two of our grown daughters and their families are where she is, and will, hopefully, keep an eye on her.
How in the world could things have gone this far? And, do you know what I learned about the one she went to meet? Well, I hate age discrimination, and I’m not a racist. The one she went to see is actually much older than I am, which I could barely believe. He is also black, which is fine with me. I don’t care what color someone is, especially if they are someone whom my wife packed her bags to go be with! You know? But you should see the EARS on this guy! I have seen pictures of him. Come to think of it, she has had pictures of him in our home for years! How stupid could I have been? Anyway, his ears are just huge! What in the world could he have that I don’t have? If I had ears like that she never would have married me in the first place. And what about those silly red pants with the big white buttons on the front? What’s up with that?
Waxing a bit melancholy here, I must surrender to the idea that at our age the ‘new’ may have worn off a bit. “The bloom is off the rose”, as they used to say. Or, I think they used to say that. I never actually said it myself, before now. Perhaps she just needed a little diversion; a few thrills, a bit of amusement, a short ride on the wild side.
So, here I am, waiting… poor pitiful person that I have become. Fool that I am, just waiting for her return. And she will return. I am sure of it. By the time you see these words in the paper she will already be back, I know. And I will take her back. (That’s just the kind of guy I am.) Yes, I will! Am I weak? Am I insane? No, I am merely in love.
She will tire of the castle, the thrills, and that big black mousey-looking guy with the deceptively friendly smile and the huge ears. At least, I hope she will. I will meet her, and our daughter at the airport, and let this whole magical affair slip silently into our past. The next time she goes to Disney World, I hope it’s on a week when Andrew and I can go with her.

This Grumpy Ol' Conversation Could Happen

By G. E. Shuman

“I wish we would get some more snow.” says a guy who might be a friend of mine, to a guy who could be me, early one morning in a coffee shop booth.
“You must be joking.” replies the guy who could be me, while sipping his coffee.
“Need more snow. I’ve hardly used the snow machine this year.” answers the first guy, back to the guy who could be me.
“NEED more snow? NEED? So you don’t care about the environment.” The second guy jabs back a bit.
“HUH?”
The second friend continues, smiling slightly, as he cups his hand around his coffee mug: “Two-cycle motors on big-boy toys, stinking up the pristine woods and all that. Just smell the evergreens! Or is that the Ski Doo?”
“I love my machine.” says guy number one, who might be a friend of mine, (absent-mindedly stirring his coffee.)
“Well, you know I don’t like snow.” says the guy who could be me. “I’ve only used the snow blower twice so far this year.”
“So you wasted your money buying it.” Snickers guy number one.
“I can live with that. Besides, should I wish to get sick because I buy health insurance?”
“What? Ugh! Snow isn’t a sickness.” says the guy who might be a friend of mine, shaking his head.
“It makes me sick.” says the guy who could be me.
“The ski industry depends on it. Think of the state’s economy.”
“But the towns are saving money on salt and plowing and payroll… besides…ski areas make their own snow.”
“And people love ice fishing.”
“You don’t need snow for that.” says me, or the guy who could be me. “Those people are crazy anyway, except for my brother, I think.”
“But you do need ‘cold’ to ice fish.” Guy number one shoots back, picking up his butter knife. (For what reason, I’m not immediately sure.)
“Cold, we have.” Replies guy number two again.
“Plus we need ground cover, to keep the germs down, you know, like the flu.” The guy who might be a friend of mine sputters, while overloading his toast with jelly.
“I got a shot for that.” says the guy who might be me.
“And pipes freeze if there’s no snow. Did you get a shot for that? And do you have an answer for everything?” The first guy says, spitting toast crumbs into his coffee.
“No, I didn’t get a shot for that. Yes, I have answer for everything. I go to Wal-Mart for water.”
“to shower in?”
“No. To make coffee with.” (Sips coffee.) “Besides, if there’s more snow there’s eventually more water pressure, and pipes burst from water pressure.” Says me, or the guy who could be me.
“No, in winter pipes burst from not having enough snow cover. The frost goes down and freezes them. It has been very cold.” Says guy number one, a bit smugly now.
“I thought you liked the cold.” retorts the second guy, (who could be me.)
“No, I like snow. You’re giving me indigestion.”
“Try getting snow without cold.” replies the guy like me. “Want a Roll Aid?”
“You’re impossible. We at least need some sugar snow for the maple producers.”
“I don’t eat pancakes, I eat eggs. Speaking of which, where’s my breakfast? And, I hate hearing my furnace run.”
“Well, pipes will freeze, and the water table will go way down, for sure, without some big snow storms each winter. Here she is with your eggs.”
“But I won’t have to use my new snow shovel, if it doesn’t snow.” grins guy number two.
“Again, you wasted your money, on a shovel, of all things.” Says the guy who might be a friend of mine.
“Again, I can live with that.” (A long pause… for breakfast.)
“Seriously, we really need the water for the lawns and gardens. Snow is called the poor man’s fertilizer, you know.” offers guy number one, who might be a friend of mine, to a guy who could be me, as they get up to leave the coffee shop.
“My daughter owns alpacas, you know. I can get free alpaca poop. And I still don’t like snow. Let it rain in the spring. You don’t have to shovel rain.”
“You do have to shovel alpaca poop. And you won’t be happy with rain either.” says the guy who might be a friend of mine.
“Well, maybe, or maybe not. I do hate my lawn mower.” I reply, or the guy like me replies.
“Good grief.” Moans guy number one. “Wells will dry up without rain.”
“So will millions of mosquito larvae.”
“This summer I’m praying hard for rain. My garden needs it, and we don’t need wildfires.” The guy who might be a friend of mine replies, to the guy who could be me.
“Do you worry about everything? Just don’t pray for rain on a day I’m headed for the beach, my friend.”
“I wish we would get some more snow.” says a guy who might be a friend of mine.
“Nice to see ya.” replies a guy who could be me.