This Grumpy Ol' Conversation Could Happen

By G. E. Shuman

“I wish we would get some more snow.” says a guy who might be a friend of mine, to a guy who could be me, early one morning in a coffee shop booth.
“You must be joking.” replies the guy who could be me, while sipping his coffee.
“Need more snow. I’ve hardly used the snow machine this year.” answers the first guy, back to the guy who could be me.
“NEED more snow? NEED? So you don’t care about the environment.” The second guy jabs back a bit.
“HUH?”
The second friend continues, smiling slightly, as he cups his hand around his coffee mug: “Two-cycle motors on big-boy toys, stinking up the pristine woods and all that. Just smell the evergreens! Or is that the Ski Doo?”
“I love my machine.” says guy number one, who might be a friend of mine, (absent-mindedly stirring his coffee.)
“Well, you know I don’t like snow.” says the guy who could be me. “I’ve only used the snow blower twice so far this year.”
“So you wasted your money buying it.” Snickers guy number one.
“I can live with that. Besides, should I wish to get sick because I buy health insurance?”
“What? Ugh! Snow isn’t a sickness.” says the guy who might be a friend of mine, shaking his head.
“It makes me sick.” says the guy who could be me.
“The ski industry depends on it. Think of the state’s economy.”
“But the towns are saving money on salt and plowing and payroll… besides…ski areas make their own snow.”
“And people love ice fishing.”
“You don’t need snow for that.” says me, or the guy who could be me. “Those people are crazy anyway, except for my brother, I think.”
“But you do need ‘cold’ to ice fish.” Guy number one shoots back, picking up his butter knife. (For what reason, I’m not immediately sure.)
“Cold, we have.” Replies guy number two again.
“Plus we need ground cover, to keep the germs down, you know, like the flu.” The guy who might be a friend of mine sputters, while overloading his toast with jelly.
“I got a shot for that.” says the guy who might be me.
“And pipes freeze if there’s no snow. Did you get a shot for that? And do you have an answer for everything?” The first guy says, spitting toast crumbs into his coffee.
“No, I didn’t get a shot for that. Yes, I have answer for everything. I go to Wal-Mart for water.”
“to shower in?”
“No. To make coffee with.” (Sips coffee.) “Besides, if there’s more snow there’s eventually more water pressure, and pipes burst from water pressure.” Says me, or the guy who could be me.
“No, in winter pipes burst from not having enough snow cover. The frost goes down and freezes them. It has been very cold.” Says guy number one, a bit smugly now.
“I thought you liked the cold.” retorts the second guy, (who could be me.)
“No, I like snow. You’re giving me indigestion.”
“Try getting snow without cold.” replies the guy like me. “Want a Roll Aid?”
“You’re impossible. We at least need some sugar snow for the maple producers.”
“I don’t eat pancakes, I eat eggs. Speaking of which, where’s my breakfast? And, I hate hearing my furnace run.”
“Well, pipes will freeze, and the water table will go way down, for sure, without some big snow storms each winter. Here she is with your eggs.”
“But I won’t have to use my new snow shovel, if it doesn’t snow.” grins guy number two.
“Again, you wasted your money, on a shovel, of all things.” Says the guy who might be a friend of mine.
“Again, I can live with that.” (A long pause… for breakfast.)
“Seriously, we really need the water for the lawns and gardens. Snow is called the poor man’s fertilizer, you know.” offers guy number one, who might be a friend of mine, to a guy who could be me, as they get up to leave the coffee shop.
“My daughter owns alpacas, you know. I can get free alpaca poop. And I still don’t like snow. Let it rain in the spring. You don’t have to shovel rain.”
“You do have to shovel alpaca poop. And you won’t be happy with rain either.” says the guy who might be a friend of mine.
“Well, maybe, or maybe not. I do hate my lawn mower.” I reply, or the guy like me replies.
“Good grief.” Moans guy number one. “Wells will dry up without rain.”
“So will millions of mosquito larvae.”
“This summer I’m praying hard for rain. My garden needs it, and we don’t need wildfires.” The guy who might be a friend of mine replies, to the guy who could be me.
“Do you worry about everything? Just don’t pray for rain on a day I’m headed for the beach, my friend.”
“I wish we would get some more snow.” says a guy who might be a friend of mine.
“Nice to see ya.” replies a guy who could be me.