Okay, Now I’m Mad!

By G. E. Shuman

I consider myself to be a fairly tolerant person. I live in a country where everyone is free to express his or her opinion, no matter how different that opinion is from someone else’s, and this is a good thing. I love the freedoms our country affords. But… and this is a big BUT! One news article I happened to notice today has, in my opinion, just gone too far. (I intended to write this week about something wonderful one of my grandchildren did. Check the paper two weeks from now for that.) Right now, I’m just too mad.

The article I read today told of something that I consider to be the ultimate insult to American women, and to humanity as a whole. It seems that P.E.T.A., the organization of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, has seriously suggested, in writing, that Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream begin making their products using human milk instead of cows’ milk. Huh? Yup, you heard it right. The idea is that this would alleviate the suffering of the cows, (Can’t you see the suffering in their big brown eyes?) even though cows line up at the barn each night to have their ‘suffering’ relieved, by the very process of being milked. I guess any possible suffering of women in such a situation would be okay with P.E.T.A. It is my opinion that P.E.T.A. did target the Vermont company most likely to swallow such an idea, but I’m not sure even good ol’ Ben and Jerry themselves would swallow that ice cream. Would you? Seriously? I would not.

To the members of P.E.T.A., let me pose a few questions. First of all, in all of your rantings about how poorly the animals have it, have you ever seriously considered the idea of the ethical treatment of people? If not, that might be a worthy project, sometime after you finish protecting the feelings of birds, fish and cows. Also, I wonder if you have really thought your breast-creamy proposition through. Do you actually expect women to get themselves pregnant in order to start a milk business? (You do understand that a mammal must produce an offspring to begin producing milk. Right?) And, if this proposition were to be implemented, what would happen to Vermont dairy farms, and those very cows you long to protect from the pain of being milked?
I can see it now; Ben and Jerry’s can build a big milking parlor, but not like the ones on our farms. In theirs, modern multitasking women sit and get their hair done, while being pumped, and watching Jeopardy, right after taking the baby they produced, in order to produce the milk, to daycare. Next, how about going a step further into cruncher-dom and barter for the milk? “Yes ladies, deposit just one quart in the bottle, and take home a whole pint of Momma Moo’s Chunky Monkey! Yum!

Husbands, do you really think it is ethical or proper, and I am being serious here, to, literally, milk your wives for money? I, for one, think it is not. If you disagree, and think this is okay, at least consider the fact that, regardless of what P.E.T.A. thinks of Vermont women, most of them probably cannot produce as much milk as a cow. Is that a fair assumption? If so, do you know what this would do to the price of ice cream? And, what’s next? How long will it be before Cabot Creamery and others are encouraged to do the same to produce their products? I can see the ads now: “Vermont cheddar. Just like Mother used to make!”

To me, this whole idea is just one more step in the ultra-leftist efforts of the P.E.T.A. folks to put humanity on the same level as the animals. In fact, this particular disgraceful notion puts the rights of women, including your wife, mine, and our daughters, squarely behind those of dairy cows. Not a pretty place to stand, I can imagine.

To the members of P.E.T.A., who, collectively, would seem to want to see our women in line at the milking stalls, let me relate a few more thoughts about your brilliant human ice cream idea. Firstly, my wife is not a cow. She is a beautiful human being with the God given rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Rights that I don’t think the average dairy cow would quite understand. Secondly, do you know that AIDS is spread through human breast milk? (That ice cream had better be good, to take a chance like that.) Now, P.E.T.A. people, stretch your brains and tell me what else we use cows for. That’s right; we make things like steaks and cheeseburgers out of them. How long will it be before people begin suggesting that we raise humans for meat? Do you think this idea is far-fetched? I did too, until I read an article seriously promoting the mass production of breast milk ice cream.

You people at P.E.T.A. need to wake up, smell the coffee, and apologize to every woman in America. See, I told you I was mad.