The Many Benefits Of High Fuel Prices

By G. E. Shuman

Several days ago my wife came home from running an errand. My vehicle happened to be behind her minivan in the driveway when she left, so she had taken my car. Later, when we both entered my car for another short trip, the as-short conversation went something like this:
“Thanks a lot for giving me your car with the gas below empty.” She said. “I had to fill it up before I could even use it.”

“Fill it up?” I replied. “It’s still below half full.”

“I PUT twenty five dollars in it.” She said right back.

“You’re kidding.” I then said right back at her, trying slightly to get a rise out of her. With one glance at her face I knew she was not kidding at all.

You see, Lorna has been quite upset lately by the rising costs of everything from grill-gas to groceries, as have most of us. My oft’ repeated admonitions about the high cost of energy and transportation have been of no great help in the matter, but that‘s what husbands are for.
So, for Lorna’s benefit and yours, I have decided to dedicate this column to nine of the positive benefits of high fuel prices. Yes, I said positive benefits, and I invite you to agree with me that they are. Please be sure my straight jacket has extra long sleeves. Thank you.

1. Just look at how much faster gas station pumps have become since the stuff has approached four dollars a gallon. I know they have, because it used to take several minutes for me to put ten dollars worth of gas in my car. Now I can put in twenty five dollars worth, just as Lorna did before running her errand, in no time flat. In fact, she should have thanked me for all the time she saved that day. The numbers on those pump dials just fly by! What more could we ask for?

2. Add to that benefit, the fact that these days, if you have an old junker and decide to sell it, you don’t even have to bother painting it to increase its sales value considerably. Just drive it to Cumby’s and fill up the tank! How cool is that?

3. I have noticed it is once again becoming ‘in’ to drive a small car, and I have always liked small cars. (Do people even say that something is ‘in‘, anymore?) In some ways, big cars are actually mimicking small cars. My daughter’s new SUV, (letters which I think stand for ‘Suckin’ Up Volumes‘,) has an expensive big engine which runs on only four cylinders at highway speeds, to save gas. My car runs on four cylinders ALL the time. Talk about being on the cutting edge.

4. They say that driving slower saves gas, and lives, which are certainly great benefits. Just imagine how many gallons and lives will be saved when we can’t afford to drive our cars at all anymore. Wow! (I’m not actually sure that driving slow saves gas, though. My wife always drives slow, and still buys a lot of gas each week. Taking that slow driving idea to an extreme, I might suggest that she try driving backwards, and see if the tank overflows. It’s just a thought.)

5. Another benefit is that we are all learning to conserve, and I’m a conservative by nature and upbringing, so that’s fine with me. Hopefully, we are becoming much wiser in our attempts to combine trips, car pool, and find other inventive ways to use the vehicles we paid so much for, less and less. In doing so, we waste and pollute less and less also. Just imagine how wise it would have been to not have purchased the things in the first place. Thanks for the lesson, big oil.

6. Added to the benefits previously mentioned in number five, using our cars less helps in other ways as well. True, we may soon not go anywhere, anymore, but that’s okay. It will be so much longer between those pesky oil changes, and our tires will last nearly forever! In fact, if things get much worse, my wife’s minivan may even outlive its payment book. We will probably get an extra year or two out of the thing if we leave it under the carport. Then we can afford to put gas in it and start driving it again. Oh goodie!

7. Moving on from the ever increasing value of our cars and the gas in them, think of the great advantages that will be ours if heating oil keeps gaining in price! Just imagine how close-knit our families will become next winter, as we huddle on the couch in our cold living rooms. We will have a real chance to gain new appreciation for our homes, as we will be spending much more time in them, watching movies by peaking out from under our quilts and comforters. How cozy! Thank you again, oil companies!

(Now we will take a short break for a helpful hint on conserving energy. If you can afford the trip, go out and buy a bunch of those compact florescent bulbs. You know, the ones that look like you bought them at the Dairy Queen. I installed about twenty of those bulbs last fall, and although I haven’t noticed much savings on my electric bill, they certainly must save something. I know they don’t last the eight years promised on the package, as I had to change six of them yesterday, but that is a good thing. During the several weeks that they were burned out before I got around to buying more, they used no electricity at all!)

8. The very biggest benefit of high fuel prices is that, if things get ridiculous enough, good old American ingenuity will finally kick in, just as it did back in the industrial age. (No, I wasn’t here to see that firsthand.) I do know that when things really get rough, as it looks like they soon might, the inventors and entrepreneurs of our great country will come out of the woodwork, and simply, or not so simply, solve the problem. Can anyone say: “efficiently remove hydrogen from water, (something we have oceans of) and BURN IT?” When this all happens the only way the OPEC leaders will buy their new Mercedes’ will be to export the one other resource they have in abundance, and sell their homelands for kitty litter.

9. One last advantage that I just thought of involves a piece of advice for young married couples facing the next few cold hard winters. Save your fuel and electricity, kids. Turn down the heat, shut off the lights, and get to bed early each night. Any complaints so far? With luck this will lead to a brand new, huge boom of babies in the next few years. We can call them something besides baby boomers, though. How about BTU babies, enviro-infants, or conservation kids? The way I see it, the little darlings will grow up and become contributing taxpayers just in time to help kick in for about the final ten years of my future social security checks. Now that’s what I call a benefit!