George’s Diet

By G. E. Shuman

Well, here we are, all the way past February already. Valentine’s Day is only a recent memory, and New Year’s Day, along with it’s many painful resolutions, seems in the distant past. For most of us, as each day comes and goes, we think less and less of those resolutions, and hope to soon forget them completely. How convenient, that memory is such a fleeting thing sometimes.

For some reason, dieting and exercise resolutions are the most common ones to make, and also the rarest ones to be kept. In my humble opinion, there is something slightly sinister about pushing chocolate kisses and other candy on us for the 14th of February. I have a sneaking suspicion that the people who make diet pills and treadmills all own stock in the Hershey Chocolate Company.

Anyway, if you are one of the many who have fallen off the diet-resolution wagon already, be of good cheer! I have great news for you! The truth is I have discovered a diet plan which I am certain you can take to heart and follow. (If I can do it, YOU can do it!) It is one which will satisfy your cravings, (at least those related to hunger,) provide all the nutrients your body can handle, so to speak, and still allow you to lead a very comfortable life.

Let’s start right there, with the comfort component of a diet. After all, might that not be the answer to dieting in the first place? People who are comfortable, again in my humble opinion, probably live longer than people who are uncomfortable. Therefore, following that logic, comfort foods probably provide for that longevity. Are you with me? Remember also that the ultimate comfort food was invented long before your time or mine, and that food is meatloaf. Yes, meatloaf. And I’m not talking about the rock star, although these days he is looking more and more like his namesake. It is true that comfort foods might not make you skinny, but skinny people just can’t be comfortable anyway. At least they never look like they are. Have you ever watched a skinny person trying to sit still on the bleachers at a basketball game? I rest my case.

Next, the world would have us to believe that we are what we eat. All of us have heard that saying. If this idea is true, and I have no reason to doubt it, we should avoid things which are round, thereby reducing the chances that we, also, will become round. So, what foods should we avoid? Here’s a hint. Have you ever taken a close look at fruits and vegetables? Tell me one thing that most of them have in common, other than for the obvious string bean exception. Exactly! It is their round shape that they have in common. It is a certainty that no one in my family would like to have the shape of many members of the vegetable or fruit families, although some of us seem to be on our way there. Think of the poor, fat, totally round orange. Then imagine how the tomato would feel about itself, if a tomato could feel, with its absolutely rotund appearance. And how about the apple, pear and cantaloupe? We have all known pear-shaped people, but who of us has wished to be shaped like them? Pineapples, grapes and potatoes are all said to possess nutrients and vitamins we need, but who would want to resemble any one of those either?

I said all that to introduce my diet idea. You see, my theory is that, if we truly are what we eat, we all should eat ‘thin’ things. (My diet assumes that we wish to be thin, although I‘m not sure why we do. Remember the bleacher seats?) With ’thin’ in mind, it is easy to see that the BLT sandwich just has to be the perfect food. It is my favorite sandwich, and this fact, likely, is because of all of it’s health benefits. Think about this: The humble BLT provides nearly everything the human body requires. It has ‘thin’ meat protein, (the bacon, obviously,) ‘thin’ vegetables, (the lettuce), and ‘thin’ fruit, (the slices of tomato.) It also throws in an extra, healthy side of ‘thin’ grains, (the bread.) Finally, a BLT wouldn’t really BE a BLT without mayonnaise. And mayonnaise is almost a perfect food in itself. Mayonnaise is a dairy product, or, it at least looks like one. It is, in fact, almost exactly the same color as my powdered coffee creamer, so that is close enough for me. It also has eggs in it, and this year eggs are good for you. Right? My studies have shown that the very most healthy sandwich we could eat would be a BLT with EXTRA mayo. Now, since we have come this far, why not go all the way in assuring that this is a healthful meal? Just add a generous side order of fries to your sandwich to do this. These are ‘thin’ potatoes, which we have already established is the best shape for a potato to have. (Most of this should be easily understood by now. It is all in the preparation of the foods. For example, the very thinnest potatoes, therefore the best ones for you, would be potato chips. And, for years, all the goodness of those round little kernels of corn has been readily available in the humble, triangular-shaped and wonderfully thin Dorito. Thinly sliced apples should be consumed in the form of apple pie, etc.) Helpful hint: Ask that your fries be cooked in pure animal fat. Your fries will not only taste great this way, it should be obvious to all that for an animal to have become fat it must have lived a long and comfortable life. Remember that important comfort component to food. Top those fries off with the world’s most plentiful and most unappreciated mineral supplement around, (common table salt,) and you have what I would consider to be the perfect meal!

In closing, just remember that thin foods will keep you comfortable, and round foods will keep you round. Bacon, potato chips, and cheese and crackers are our friends. And don’t forget breakfast, the most important meal of the day! Get yourself a big helping of that crispy bacon, or some fried sliced ham, a plateful of thin home fries, and a big stack of wafer-thin pancakes! Yummy!

By now, many of you are thinking that I must be joking. Well, you figured me out. I actually hate pancakes.