My Zipper Problem

By G. E. Shuman

          

I’ve written several times in this space, and once even mentioned it in a novel, that I have a zipper theory. You see, I think that there are some things that, if we ever met an intelligent alien race from another world, they would have discovered or invented just as we have. I believe that things like the invention of the wheel, the discovery of and use of electricity, medical science, (if they need it) and other things like those are probably universal and common among the other people of the stars, (if those people exist.)

          My zipper theory loosely states that the lowly zipper is probably not an item that we and those aliens share. Zippers are something that, until proven otherwise, I will believe are unique human inventions. They are a bit quirky and complicated, at least to me. They were the invention of a singular human brain and might not be something that some other type of brain ever thought of. I even think that there was just as good a chance that no one on earth would have ever thought of something like a zipper, as there was that they did. I’m only saying that if someday we meet up with an alien race, their clothes, (again if they need them) are more likely going to be held together by something like a button, a tie, or even some cousin to Velcro, (another human idea) than by a zipper. But that’s just me.

          I mention all this because, for the last four days or so, a zipper has just about driven me crazy. The situation is that, if you haven’t already become bored enough to turn to the next page of the paper, I was given a beautiful and very expensive men’s winter parka. The jacket is a bit large for me, but my 6’8” son loved it. I, therefore, gave it to him. The problem is that when he tried the parka on, he noticed that the zipper pull was broken, and he was sad about that.

          I can’t come to the rescue if some family member needs a major car repair, “We’ll just throw a new motor in there.” or the loan of fifty grand, but I do like to help solve smaller problems for my kids if I can. Fixing a stupid zipper seemed like one of those smaller problems. Was I wrong?  OHHHHH, was I wrong!

          I won’t be a name-dropper, but I began my search for some solution to my zipper problem by immediately heading to our society’s worldwide source for all things, an online company that begins with an ‘A,’ ends with an ‘n’, and has a ‘mazo’ in the middle.  I waited only a few days for my super-duper zipper pull repair item to arrive. When it did, I anxiously tried it on the parka, only to learn that I must have measured wrong, although I will never fully accept that, and that the item was too small. The only solution then, so that I didn’t lose the $12 I spent on the thing was to return it and order the larger one that was offered. I did this and waited another few days to receive my sure to be correct pull. Yes, the pull came quickly, and no, it did not fit, but was too large for the zipper. Arrrrg!

          I sent this one back too, and in desperation went to our local sewing and craft store to search for some magical, mystical solution to my problem, before I chucked the free jacket in the ol’ trash bin.  They, of course, had several zipper repair kits. I happily bought one of those and took it home, only to spend the next hour or so finding out that I am dumber than a zipper and will never fix that jacket without professional help, which the jacket and I both probably need at this point.

          If and when humanity contacts an alien race from another planet, we will certainly learn much from them. If you happen to be the person who meets them first, please find out if they keep their garments on with something better than a zipper.