Beware The Hair

By G.E. Shuman

          I’m not sure how it is where you live, but in our area, you can tell a lot about a person by their hair. Still, you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover; the same can be said for a head.  I’m sure you’re anxious for me to explain.

          In the past, or at least in my ever more distant youth, changing hairstyles happened more with women than men. My dad cut and combed his hair exactly the same way forever, even though there seemed to be less and less of it to comb as the years went by.  Hair was just something men didn’t think much about then. (They also didn’t think much about doing dishes, mopping the floor, or, heaven forbid, throwing in a load of laundry.) Hopefully, some of that has changed.

          With some Vermont men, you can actually tell the time of year by looking at their faces. Many Vermonters will grow a beard in the fall (mostly just the men) to keep their faces warm during hunting season and our long, cold winters. Forget the Farmer’s Almanac and wooly bear caterpillars, just glance at the guys you see on Main Street if you want to see how cold the coming winter will be.

          I’ve also noticed that you now rarely see a ‘young’ or sometimes older preacher or other male professional without what I call the chocolate milk ring around his mouth and chin. I don’t know why this is, and some of them look good that way. Some of them look like they just drank chocolate milk. I mean no harm or insult. It’s just an observation that is as obvious as the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.

          I WOULD like someone to answer another preacher question for me though. I have given this one more thought than is healthy, but I want to know the answer, so, here it is. The question is, why don’t TV preachers part their hair? Do they think that the bouffant look makes them appear godly or angelic or something? To me it makes them look like they just visited my mother’s hairstylist. Maybe the left-right thing scares them, and they don’t know on which side they should make the part. Have a little self-respect, guys. People can’t pay attention to where you tell them to send the check if they’re staring at your hair.

          To me, my brother in law Jon probably has the best idea about how to wear your hair. He just doesn’t wear it at all. When his hair began leaving on its own, he decided to shave it all off. Now he can comb his hair with a washcloth and looks really cool on his Harley. How can you beat that?

          My own hair is sort‘a longish and because of that, some people mistake me for having more left-leaning opinions than I actually do, even though my hair doesn’t lean either way. See how people perceive things? Just remember, The Donald and Bernie both have weird hair. Also, some people have told me that I look like a writer, however, a writer might look. The truth is, I’m likely just lazy and simply don’t bother with it, and it reflects that fact better than my bald spot reflects the sun.

          Mark Twain, (you know, that other famous crazy-haired writer… besides me,) once wrote that there was a time when he was out looking for a job, but that there was just one problem. In his words: “I didn’t want to work.”  I think I’m in good company.

          Maybe all or only some writers are lazy. If you want to find out which are which, beware the hair.

          In the meantime, it’s November, so Happy Thanksgiving. If you’re up here in the north, keep an eye on that wooly bear. You know, the one you live with or see in the bathroom mirror.