Utterly Useless Warnings and Instructions

By G. E. Shuman

Have you ever noticed that our world is just filling up with warnings and instructions on pretty much everything we come into contact with?  The nanny state in which we are presently living, and I don’t mean the State of Vermont, even though it certainly epitomizes the qualifications, has succeeded in instructing us on how, why, where and when to do just about everything we do.  It has also cautioned us strongly against the things we ought not to do, and has given us reasons why not, in the form of warnings.  Following is a list of things that have instructions and warnings.  I took the liberty of improving the warnings where I could.  Don’t thank me.  It’s just the kind of guy I am.
Firstly, medical instructions, and by that I mean the instructions actually ON containers of medicine, are much too small to read.   What we need is a big label that states that you should find your glasses, before reading the instructions, if you can find your glasses, without your glasses.
Secondly, we all really need to listen to the warnings on TV ads, spoken faster than a speeding bullet, as to the side effects of medicines those ads are trying to get us to try.  The voice hurriedly says something like: “Use of this product may result in warts, headaches, bleeding from the ears, and/or suicidal thoughts or actions.”  Huh?  Suicidal thoughts or ACTIONS?…  ACTIONS?  If you don’t believe me, pay attention to those ads.  Now, do we understand what suicidal actions are?  In an attempt to cure my dry skin or constipation I might try to kill myself?  It hardly seems worth it.  The warning should just advise us to avoid that medicine and eat more fiber.
It is also my opinion that those well-meaning health warnings on cigarette packs are just plain stupid.  Come on now.  If, at this point in your life and in history, you don’t know that cigarettes are dangerous to your health, just go ahead and smoke.  Mankind has never been able to fix that level of stupid, and I doubt that warnings on cigarette packs will be able to either.  Sorry to be so blunt. I just don’t want you to die.
I have found, through personal experience, that words on the labels of shampoo and conditioner are also way too small, just as they are on medicines.  The shampoo companies seem to be proud of their brand, or at least proud of the snappy names and scents they have come up with for their products.  Still, they refuse to, at least in large enough print to be read, tell you which product, shampoo or conditioner,  you have in your wet little hand.  Even if I found my glasses in time to read the instructions on my medicines, wearing glasses in the shower is not convenient. Brail shampoo bottles would work, but how about just writing the word ‘shampoo’ or ‘conditioner’ in print larger than the width of an un-shampooed human hair?
While we’re discussing hygiene products, (Is that what we’re doing?) how about this? I happened to read the warnings on the back of the hand sanitizer bottle on my desk at work.  The instructions actually included the admonition to not use this 90-percent alcohol product near an open flame, or inside the mouth, or in the eyes or ears.  The instructions should have also said to especially stay away from open flames if you have already put the product in your mouth, eyes, and ears.
Here’s one of my favorites. It has always amazed me that they still do the seat belt instructional demonstration on airplanes.  You do need to pay attention to those, if you have not ridden in a car in the past forty years.  Frankly, and still in my opinion,  adults shouldn’t be forced by law to wear seatbelts in cars either.  If you want to make a bloody mess of your windshield, that’s your right. It’s your windshield.  But please buckle up your kid.  He may not share your self destructive gene.
Notice: putting the word ‘FRAGILE‘ on anything shipped by, through or to anyone, is a waste time and ink, and simply challenges the men in brown (or blue and orange)to see how fragile it really is.  Fragile is also often associated with the word ‘valuable.’  So, you might just write ‘STEAL ME’ on the box that will be left on someone’s front step.  (It’s the same number of letters.)
Lawn mower caution stickers almost bring me to tears. Although they are written in a very serious and straightforward way, what they are really saying is: “Don’t put your stupid feet under this thing, because there is a big, sharp, steel blade spinning around at about a hundred miles an hour under there , (Hear the motor?), and it will cut your feet off if you do. *Just in case you didn’t know.”  There is a similar sign on my snow blower.  That sign politely gets the point across to: “Keep your pudgy fingers out of the auger, because it’s like a big fat food processor, and your big fat hand will become instantly processed.”
Through reading labels I have also found that cold medicines may cause drowsiness.  Well, isn’t that what you want them to do, so that you can sleep?  Those pills, and also sleeping pills, always come with the warning: “Don’t drive or use heavy equipment.”  Maybe that’s my problem.  I keep using all that heavy equipment when I’m sick and trying to sleep.
Hotel swimming pools also have warnings to not leave children unattended… I would like to add the words: ‘if you want them back.’  Here are a few more of my favorites:
You know those anti-moisture packets they put in shoe boxes? They always have ‘do not eat‘ printed on them. Wow.
Hair dryers always come with a plastic tag permanently attached to the cord.   It says ‘Do not use while in the bathtub.’  It should also say ‘If you do you deserve what happens, including promoting the theory of survival of the smartest.’
SLIPPERY WHEN WET! What isn’t?
CAUTION. BRIDGES FREEZE BEFORE ROAD!  The sign is on the bridge… kind’a too late.
MOTORCYCLISTS USE CAUTION! Nawww just put your feet up and take a nap.
Sign on gas pump: ‘No Smoking‘… should continue with ‘or you soon will be.’
Moose Crossing. Only moose can cross here. Deer should look for a deer crossing sign and proceed with caution.
Slow children. (Well, you have my sympathies and at least you recognize the situation.)
I will end with some pretty useless instructions I once actually read on a toothpaste tube. The instructions said: ‘Squeeze from bottom and work your way up.’  It sounded like my toothpaste tube was having a lot more fun than I was.