'Forward' Thinking

By G. E. Shuman

In these days of facebook and countless other means of worldwide social networking, I suppose that a column dealing with email might seem a bit outdated, and even antiquated. (How could that have happened so quickly?) I’m going to write this column anyway, as I too am a bit outdated and antiquated and, thus, feel quite qualified to do so. My hope is that there are a few people left out there who can identify with what I’m going to say.

I check my email several times a day. It’s not that I need to do this, as what I receive is at least ninety percent forwarded jokes and spam. My mailbox is usually full of this interesting but unnecessary stuff, just as my physical mailbox is usually full of junk mail. One nice thing about the emailed ‘stuff’ is that you don’t have to physically throw it away. It adds nothing to a person’s trash bill or ‘landfill footprint’, if there is such a thing, and I would bet the farm that there is. I check my email because I enjoy doing so. Sometimes I get actual notes from friends and relatives, but mostly it’s just forwards and spam. Now don’t get me wrong, and don’t stop sending me things because they are forwards. Most of them are fun to read, and I happen to like spam. (Did you know that it takes the meat of nearly three little farm-raised spam critters just to fill one of those small cans? I think I read that someplace, but maybe not.)

I do feel, for us face-less, face-book-less people, that it is still important to understand the email we get, including forwards. Thus, the purpose of this column. Below I have listed a few futile rules which may be helpful in ‘forward‘ thinking:

1. If you receive an email forward from someone and return a compliment about that forward, you will definitely receive more forwards.

2. If you receive a forward from someone and don’t return a compliment about that forward, you will still definitely receive more forwards.

3. If you receive a forward and tell the sender that you did not appreciate the forward, you will, regardless of that fact, definitely receive more forwards

4. If you reply, agreeing with the sender’s added comments about a forward, you may or may not receive a smiley-face reply or some other cute thing, and you will definitely receive more forwards.

5. If a forward you receive from a friend has one of those warnings at the end, stating that if you do not forward the forward to at least ten people something terrible will happen to you, please believe it. (Nice friends you have there.) The terrible thing that will happen is that you will definitely receive more forwards. Of course, if you do forward the forward to ten people you will have instilled a fear of possible death, or worse, in some of them, and will still definitely receive more forwards, including the one you just sent them.

6. If a forward you receive tells you to send it on to ten of your friends, and states that if you do so, you will receive an unbelievably funny or profound reply, don’t do it. You will never get the funny reply. You will just have annoyed ten your friends by making them have to decide if they should forward the forward to get the reply. As payback, you will definitely receive more forwards.

The math is simple. Forward a forwarded letter and you will play a part in immortalizing and rapidly multiplying that letter on into the near infinity of time and space. It will be almost like raising a pair of rabbits, as there is no such thing as a pair of rabbits. If you don’t forward it, you will become one small cog in the wheel of effort to not allow forwards to take over the email universe. Either way, your efforts will cost you nothing, not even a stamp. If there was a cost, you would not have received the forward in the first place. None of your friends would actually pay to send you junk mail. So, barring forwarding things that are in poor taste, what’s the harm? Forward away, or throw it away, remembering that email junk can’t harm the landfill. Just realize that, whatever you do, you will definitely receive more forwards.