Childhood Truths of the Past... (My Past)

By G. E. Shuman

The following are a few childhood truths. They are lessons I learned as a youth… a few of them, the hard way.

They CAN make calendars ahead of time, and sell them the summer before the new year, even if you are baffled by the idea that anyone can know which days will have what numbers next year.

Electricity will not leak out of the light fixture in your closet, wasting all that energy, even if ’someone’ smashed the bulb with a baseball bat while it was turned on, to see what would happen. I asked my dad if that hypothetical situation would waste power. He wanted to know why I was asking.

I was once very sure that a vegetable peeler would do a great job of smoothing the sharp corners of the woodwork of our kitchen and dining room doorways. I was right.

Stretching out on the three side chairs pushed in under the dining room table is a great way to take a secluded Sunday afternoon nap, especially if the table cloth comes down and hides you, and more especially if you want to have the whole neighborhood searching the woods for you.

A pot of gasoline placed under a pile of dry leaves you’re getting ready to burn makes a wonderful airborne projectile. I just knew it would.

Swallowing a bottle of nose drops, thinking it was cough syrup, can help a five year old sleep very soundly for two or three days straight, and help his mom get that nice gray hair she always wanted.

Snow banks also make great places to take naps. I love naps.

If you are a boy, and dress up as a witch, (rubber mask required,) on Halloween night, after all your friends have gone home, no one in the neighborhood will ever know you went around trick-or-treating twice. And, all the old ladies who have run out of candy will feel sorry for you and give you cookies… and money.

If you shovel a snow-maze all over your front lawn, from the driveway to the house, the mailman really will follow it to get to your front door. It’s great, until your mother sees you watching him do it.

If your least-favorite fifth grade teacher leaves his car’s convertible top down on a sunny fall day, that’s not your fault. It’s also not your fault that it requires only a few minutes after school for five boys to fill that convertible, level, with dry leaves. I’m sorry, Mr. Oullette. (It’s only taken me forty-six years to say that.)

Nothing tastes better than a stolen watermelon.

Old guys at the American Legion Hall will share their Halloween party with young kids who sneak in the back door. They will also share their punch.

If you wire an old car antenna onto your walkie-talkie, you can make your friend’s mother think aliens are in her TV.

If your five foot tall model rocket with the letters U.S. Govt. stenciled on it lands in your neighbor-lady’s tree, she will not give it back to you.

Don’t be deceived. Your first grade teacher is not in the next room for a VERY important conference with another teacher, and she really can’t see you through the walls. She went out for a smoke. (Shame on you, Mrs. Jones, wherever you are.)

When your pastor comes for a Sunday afternoon visit, sticking fireworks up his car’s tail pipe probably won‘t impress him, or your dad.

Old neighbor-ladies with clean floors have no sense of humor when it comes to mud.

If you’re about eight years old, and you notice two neighborhood dogs that seem to be, mysteriously, stuck together, just walk away. It isn’t worth it.

It’s better to go to Sunday School than to fake a side ache and go to the hospital.

If you own a small pet monkey, and your new girlfriend’s mother stops by for a visit, don’t let him sit on her shoulder… not even for a minute.

Water rockets, when launched with Dad’s air compressor, will never be seen again.

If Mom tells you to go clean your room, covering the junk on your floor with a throw-rug will not work.

Your sister’s cat can be neither bathed nor baptized, no matter how much it needs both.