Power Sources

By G. E. Shuman

Have you ever noticed that the irritating signal from your cell phone, admonishing you that it is time to plug that little plastic plague in, always announces the fact at the most inopportune moment even remotely possible? Well, I have. Either you are standing at a urinal in a public restroom, (assuming, I guess, that you are a man,) or having a serious talk with your boss, (or your wife, or both, if they are one in the same, heaven forbid) or taking the offering in church. I hate it when any of those various scenarios happens. It is my opinion, that, if phones are as smart as we’re lead to believe they are, they should be able to sense things like churches, your boss’s office, or porcelain urinals, and just shut up until you are through doing whatever it is you’re doing at the moment. (It just occurred to me; that low-battery signal would not sound for long, if you refused to do what it is asking you to do. Hum.)
You might guess by this point that I an a bit irritated. Well, you’re exactly right. I am. I guess it just seems to me that our world is, simply, overflowing with things that need to be charged, re-charged, re-re-charged, rebooted, reset, or reconfigured. And, it also seems that everything that doesn’t need re-charging or re-booting needs to have its batteries changed, at precisely the moment we need that particular thing the most. I remember when only flashlights and car batteries could let us down. Now, practically everything we use has the same ability. (Excuse me while I enjoy a well-deserved, and hardly unexpected, angina attack.)
As I began, cell phones, to me, are the worst offenders. But regular, “old-fashioned,” (Yes, they are.) cordless house phones are almost as bad. Those things stay in their chargers 24-7, when you’re not actually using them, and STILL DIE in the middle of any important conversation. Also, and this is the truth, every single time I plug my GPS into my cigarette-lighter-that-has-never-lit-a- cigarette, long before the sexy voice from the little box suction-cupped to my windshield scares me half to death with some unannounced announcement, I get written messages reminding me that I need to wait until the thing charges up. (Nice run-on sentence, huh?) And, about that voice? All I know is that if it wasn’t so attractive I would never tolerate it… her… whatever, telling me where to go. Gee… I wonder if Tom-Tom thought of that when picking the voice. Something tells me that they did. Then, things like ipods, ipads and digital cameras also rank right up there in the category of inanimate objects demanding to be charged and re-charged.
There are, also, always those little devices which never leave your home, but simply stay there for the exact purpose of aggravating you into an early grave. That list of puny plastic pods of egregious electronics includes, but is not limited to: smoke detectors that love and live to scream at you when you have neglected to change their batteries, and TV, VCR, DVD, CD, DVR, and other such remotes, which just, simply, cease to work when you need them to. (Another nice run-on sentence, huh?) It is no wonder AA batteries are now sold in packs of so many you need a forklift to get them to your car.
I think my ‘favorite’ little battery-sucking device has to be that hand-held can opener they used to advertise for $19.95, (What else?) on TV. (You could even get a second one FREE if you just paid an additional $19.95 shipping and handling. Wow! Who could pass up such a deal? Besides, everyone needs two can openers. Right? ) You know the item I‘m talking about. It was the wonderful white plastic miracle machine that you placed on top of the can, turned on, and then it would spin around and open all of your cans “From The Side!” without even causing any dangerous sharp edges. (At this point I NEED some dangerous sharp edges.) It was also supposed to save you the many tons of counter space your old-fashioned, four-inch-wide, plug-in can opener selfishly hogged. Well, here’s the truth. My wife ordered one of those things when I was not looking. It arrived, and I haven’t seen it since. It is, obviously, buried somewhere in one of the kitchen drawers, I presume. At least I can find the old plug-in one, right on the counter, where it has always been. Also, unless there is a power failure, I don’t have to wonder if it has good batteries in it or not. If there IS a power failure, I will just have to wait until later to open my can of niblet corn. What a mind-wrenching, looming disaster that has always been for me!
With all of this complaining, I have not even mentioned the other inconveniences some of these ‘conveniences’ of life present. If you’re traveling with any of these modern marvels, remember to take along all the cables, household adapters, power converters, car adapters, surge protectors, and, oh yes, batteries you will need. You are allowed to forget your clothes while traveling, but don’t forget the stuff required to feed your electronic dependents. And, also, don’t forget to bring all of this ugly refuse home with you.
You will never believe this, but it is the truth. I was going to end this column by wittily suggesting some new ways to power our ’stuff’. Unfortunately, I need to end this immediately. My net book, which I use to write the column, just flashed the warning, and I quote, (as if it matters that I actually QUOTE this plastic writing utensil): PLUG IN OR FIND ANOTHER POWER SOURCE.
To tell you the truth, I think that advice, to “find another power source,” is good advice, indeed. So, I will now close the cover of this demanding, eccentric-but-wonderful, electronic marvel of mine. Next, I will open the cover of my Bible. (It recharges ME, and never lets me down.) Enough said.