Life Would Be Better If:

by G. E. Shuman

Opinion columns are just that: columns of opinion. As such, they are filled with the opinions of their writers. In this case, in this space, that opinion-writer happens to be me. Now don’t go blaming the paper or my parents if you disagree with the following statements, and don‘t give them the credit if you like them, either. Having said all that, it is my opinion, or column of opinions, that:

Life would be better,

IF:

-people cherished human rights as much as they do animal rights. Children are adopted. Pets are purchased. (No offence intended. It’s just my opinion.)

-every child got to go to Disney World.

-alligators were vegetarians. The same goes for sharks.

-everyone followed the golden rule, especially at intersections.

-politicians could not be re-elected without fulfilling 90% of their campaign promises. (An added benefit: There would be far fewer promises, which makes for far shorter campaign speeches.)

-car tires didn’t wear out, ever. (Make this tire, and Bill Gates will call you rich.)

-there were no TV commercials, even if that meant that there was no TV.

-brats got spanked. (Face it. Deep down, you like this one.)

-cars were made of Tupperware. They would never rust. Just close your door and burp it.

-brides married grooms, and grooms married brides. Period. Is this really radical thinking?

-celebrities had to earn it.

-all created beings knew that they were (created).

-God had not made tobacco, or had made it flame retardant.

-Noah had squashed the two mosquitos. (I would say the same for housecats, but then you would hate me.)

-more manure was spread on farms than in D.C.

-fathers spent more time with their children and less with ‘big boy’ toys.

-gas stations raised their prices only when they got a new gas delivery that cost them more. (Is this asking too much?)

-zippers never broke. The same goes for buttons.

-any country not feeding and educating its children would automatically become ruled by one that was. (I thought of that all by myself.)

-credit cards were never invented. Your MasterCard could not be your master, your Visa could not be your pass to the poor house, and you could Discover what debt-free living is like. (Catchy, huh?)

-no-iron shirts and pants really were (no iron).

-TV preachers could not ask for money. This would free up the airwaves considerably on Sunday mornings, and more people might go to church ’the old fashioned way.’ (By the way, I’ve been asking this next question about TV preachers for years. Why don’t they part their hair?)

-bi-racial marriage was mandatory for two or three generations. Everyone would look alike; there would be no more racism. We’d have to find some other reason to dislike each other.

-NBA baskets were raised to eleven feet, (at least.)

-‘an eye for an eye’ justice was implemented.

-fast food burgers all looked like the picture.

-no one lied… not even used car salesmen.

-political bumper stickers would not adhere to old Subaru or Volvo wagons. (Watch out, Montpelier.)

-cell phones could make calls as well as they take pictures.

-my plastic bottle returns covered my trash removal bill.

-people who tout the ‘buy local’ theme had to drive something besides those old Subarus and Volvos. Now, let’s see. Where are those cars made?

-summer heat could be saved in your furnace for winter.

-there was no face book. (My kids would kill me for this one, but I’m safe. They don’t -read my column. They‘re too busy on face book.)

-everyone prayed. (Go ahead. Argue with that one.)

-everyone could have a garden.

-all the microwave popcorn popped. (We USED TO be able to send men to the moon… why can’t we do this?)

-there was no cholesterol in that popcorn, or anywhere else. (Why can’t we do this, too?)

-dieting felt good. (Yes, I’m kidding.)

-we finally cured cancer. (No, I’m not kidding.)

-toilets cleaned themselves. The same goes for dishes and cars, but mostly toilets.

-parents could skip the teenage years. Keep the kids home when they’re toddlers. Send them to daycare when they turn thirteen. (Side note: That’s why gerbils eat their young, so they won’t become teenagers.)

-vegetables tasted as good as dessert.

-there was an oil price war.

-grass only grew to exactly two inches tall. (There has to be a gene we could tamper with to do this.)

-snow blowers had remote controls that worked from your recliner, or at least from MY recliner.

-no one divulged their sexual orientation, for any reason, on TV, in print, or, especially, to me. In other words, keep your privates private, for Pete’s sake. (For my sake, too.)

-everyone agreed with me.