George’s Economic Stimulus Package -For the President-

By G. E. Shuman

Well, here we go. From all the commotion and mudslinging coming from Washington, it looks like, after much churning and composting, the party in charge is about to totally tick the other side off and finally give it to us. Good. Or is that, give it to us good? I’m referring, of course, to the new administration’s economic stimulus package. I am one who didn’t vote for our new president, but who truly wishes him well. His election was historic, and he will surely do some good things for our country. I hope he does many. I just don’t think the stimulus package is one of those good things. In fact, my kind suggestion to the President of The United States, (It goes without saying, that he must read this column for advice from time to time.) is this: President Obama, scrap it. Yes, scrap it, scrap it, scrap it. Get rid of the stimulus package before it damages your future, and ours. Since I seem to be addressing the president, I might as well continue.

Mr. President, I’m sure you’re trying. You’ve just got too many cooks in the kitchen, rolling out the ‘dough’, so to speak, and far too many hands in the cookie jar. Now, I’m not blaming you alone. That’s how it always is in Washington. My mom used to cook with lard sometimes, but she never put pork in her dough. Pork has a way of ruining things like cookies and economic stimulus packages. Hey, Economic Stimulus Package. ESP. There must be some subliminal message there. Perhaps you need ESP to understand that complicated plan you partially inherited and partially cooked up on your own.

I guess it’s just a mixed up world, Mr. President, but it seems strange that, in this case, the republicans are the ones fighting all the loans to industry. Aren’t they the ones who are supposed to always side with big business? Isn’t your party, Mr. Obama, the party of the little guy? Oh, I know. Things like big auto mostly deal with union jobs. Yes, I remember now.

Anyway, Mr. President, here’s what you need to do with the money, which, as far as I can tell is money the government doesn’t actually have anyway… if you REALLY want to end the recession, and fast. If you do this I can almost guarantee you will be re-elected, providing you still want the job in four years. I might even vote for you. What you need to do is pretty simple. Give the money to us, the taxpayers (and voters.) Just give it to us. The idea is not something I thought up myself. I stole it from a friend, which, come to think of it, could mean I would fit in pretty well with some D.C. politicians.

Someone said that if the money, wherever it is coming from, were given evenly to every taxpayer, it might amount to $10,000 or more each. Is this calculation too complicated for our government to do? If so, just tell me the total dollars, and the number of taxpayers, and I can figure it for you on my pocket calculator. Too hard to administer, you might say. Well, maybe. Writing each taxpayer a check and mailing them out does sound a little ‘taxing’. As for my portion, just add the amount, whatever it is, to my tax refund this year and save yourself a stamp. I know all those congressmen would get mad that you sidestepped their attempts to pork things up. They would just have to go home and tell their constituents that nobody got nothin’. Nope, nobody. The big point would be that everybody would get somethin’.

But the average American wouldn’t spend the money wisely, you powerful politicians might say. The government can certainly do a better job. First of all, how do you know that? Does the government have a record of spending money wisely? Secondly, who cares how the money is spent? Sure, a certain number of yo-yos would go out and buy ten thousand dollars worth of bubble gum and guitar strings, but imagine what that would do to the bubble gum and guitar string industries. Some of us would pay off cars, and go get new ones. Hello, struggling Detroit. Argue with the idea that Americans love to spend money. I’m not trying to be sexist here; Mr. President, but imagine if the average husband met his wife at the back door and admonished her, American Flag in hand, that it was her civic duty to go out and spend $10,000 as fast as she could. Standing at attention, he would salute her as she turned on her heels, mowed him down, and headed off to quickly turn this economy around. For a real anti-recession knock out punch, have us send in the receipts for what we bought, to qualify for another check next year. It occurs to me that if this nearly foolproof plan could be conjured up by little ol’ me, then your people must have already considered something similar. The fact that they aren’t promoting it worries me even more than the plan that you have.

Mr. Obama, let’s remember who’s money it is that we’re talking about. If your going to tax my great grandchildren’s future, at least let their great granddad spend the money. It’s certainly better than giving it to the shiny-shoes at General Motors corporate offices. I’m no economist, but if big business uses the money to create jobs, what happens when the money runs out again? It’s just a question. I really think we would be better off creating jobs the old fashioned way. It’s something that hasn’t been tried in our country in a while. It’s called capitalism. If you really want to rev up the most powerful economic engine the world has ever known, you don’t need to start tinkering with it. Just give it some gas. Remember, if you use my plan, I’ll vote for ya. You know you want me to. (Now would someone please send this to the White House, before it’s too late?)