My Strange, Odd and Almost Eerie Front Lawn

By G. E. Shuman

For many years I have known that there is something, strange, odd, and almost eerie about our home’s front lawn. I know that sounds strange, but like I said, it IS strange. You see, our old home was built on a very busy Barre hillside street, which winds its way around in front of the houses on one side. The street level is actually many feet lower than the homes, as ours, which line it on that side; while on the other side the hill drops off further, even necessitating the use of guard rails in some places. This all makes for great views from high front porches like ours, but also for strange, odd and almost eerie front lawns. The flat portion of our lawn, from the base of the front steps, is only ten feet or so in length out from the house, before it becomes a steep, grassy bank of about six feet in height, extending down to the sidewalk and street below. All of this was no great selling point when the former owners sold the house to us. I remember the man we purchased the place from saying that the lawn was the only thing about the house they couldn’t fix, but that he knew a boy who would mow it for us. I don’t remember my reply, but these two and a half decades of hillside lawnmower pushing later, I wish I had the name and number of that boy. I’m certain that my strange, odd, and almost eerie front lawn will still be no selling point if I ever decide to sell the place myself. And we have thought of selling, off and on, for several years. But selling and buying homes is such a hassle, and lately I have felt somewhat lazy about such things. At this point I’ve about decided to put that work off onto my kids, and just die here. That would be much simpler for me. Let them sell the place; strange, odd, and almost eerie front lawn and all. It’s the least they can do. But, I was telling you about that lawn.


Well, let me begin by saying, I know already that some of you will either not believe or not understand what I am about to tell you about my strange, odd, and almost eerie front lawn. Let me reassure you that every word here is true, or at least contains as much truth as my memory is capable of serving up. Some will choose to not believe. Some will not be able to understand. The thing is, years ago I discovered one particular spot on the lawn, which is just to the left of the walkway, when looking down from the house. It is that particular spot which provides the ‘almost eerie’ aspect of my strange, odd and almost eerie front lawn. Now here’s the part you may either not believe or not understand. The truth is that anything at all which is placed on that spot, will surely, completely, irretrievably, disappear. Call that what you want. I know nothing about other dimensions, black holes, wormholes, or quicksand for that matter, and make no claim to any of those. I just know I have a strange, odd and almost eerie front lawn. We first noticed this phenomenon after a long ago yard sale. Our last customer had been an elderly lady who had succeeded in climbing up the steep granite steps to the flat of the lawn. Before heading back down those steps she said she didn’t blame us for moving. I didn’t bother explaining it wasn’t a moving sale. All I could think was that she must have noticed the strange, odd and almost eerie front lawn. After the lady had left, I took all the leftover yard sale ‘merchandise’ and piled it, coincidentally, (Or was it fate?) on that particular spot. I then made a small paper sign which simply read: FREE, and taped it to one of the boxes. My family and I then left the lawn, and, if memory serves, headed out to spend all the money we had made on the sale. I think we went to McDonalds. When we arrived home only hours later, the leftover ‘merchandise’ was gone. It was simply gone! Only an empty box remained, with my paper sign flapping from it in the wind. I felt bad that no one had gotten to take any of the yard sale stuff, but, as I said, it was simply gone.

Yes, I understand that this is difficult to believe. As I said, we live on a very busy Barre street, and with all the cars which pass by our house you would think someone would have noticed the stuff disappearing. Perhaps it just happens too fast. Now here’s another example, and it’s a good one. We decided we no longer needed a small wooden table which had been collecting magazines and dust for far too long. Now, and I kid you not, I placed the table on the spot on the lawn, added my obligatory FREE sign, and walked back inside. I then simply went to the kitchen, and then returned to lock the front door. And yes, you guessed it. The little table was GONE!
Over the years I have had occasion to test and retest the spot on my strange, odd and almost eerie front lawn, and that spot has never failed me. Although… there was the litter box. Yes, the litter box. You see, we had lost our cat, or it had lost us, and were left with one of those big, covered litter boxes. You know, the kind that looks like a pet carrier, but with no door except for o-dor. I had put the usual FREE sign on the thing, and had gone back inside again to get something to scrape it out. On returning I saw this obviously shaken woman, just as she was nearly hit by a car, in her effort to snag the thing and rescue it from being swallowed by the spot. She succeeded in outsmarting the almost eerie front lawn, and got herself a wonderful, free, litter box, complete with contents.

I decided to write to you about all of this, as I have made good recent use of the spot on the lawn. Last week my son and I put a huge, heavy, rusty, dead air conditioner on the spot. I initially wondered if something of such weight and mass could or would disappear as quickly as smaller things. I calculated that such a two hundred plus pound item might take several days to dissolve, or for whatever happens there to happen to it. I calculated wrong. I taped the FREE sign to the front of it, and within twelve hours, it had also disappeared. And then I added a half-dead microwave oven, and another sign, and it went, nearly, before my eyes. Last night I piled up four old tires on the spot, added the sign which read FREE, and they too are now simply gone. Amazing!

I was just thinking. This is a presidential election year. If word were to spread of my strange, odd and almost eerie front lawn, maybe we could get the candidates to stop by for a photo-op., on a swing through our state. I can see it now: “Okay. John and Barack. Let’s get a picture. How about you two standing right over here… that’s it… rrriiiiggghhht there on that spot. Perfect. Now, could you guys just hold up this little FREE sign for me? This should only take a moment.”