Entering a New Year; Trying to Leave a Vice or two Behind

 

By G. E. Shuman

 

In my last column I divulged one of my weaknesses, (And you didn’t think I had any.) That weakness was an occasional craving for peanut brittle. Silly, right? Peanut brittle; just an old fashioned sweet for an aging and not so sweet guy.

Truthfully, sweet foods are not normally on my ‘cravings’ list anyway. Other things are, and I am about to do another ‘divulge’ here. Some of you must be like me, at least I hope you are, in the fact that anything called ‘savory’ (and the very sound of that word,) can make you think of salty snacks. At least it works well for me.

When my young granddaughter had yet to learn to read, she used colors to name her favorite stores for ‘Papa’ to take her to. There was the Green Store, (Dollar Tree) and the Yellow Store, (Dollar General.) Everyone should also realize that the good ol’ golden arches in the land where every word starts with the prefix ‘Mac’ are golden for a reason. They look exactly like big French fries to the young eyes of every whining child in every car seat in America, and beyond. Now THAT’S effective marketing. (Even toddlers have vices, whether they know it or not.)

Anyway, back to my own addictions. You see, any store that sells salty snacks is difficult for me to pass by, if the craving happens to have been awakened by my rumbling stomach. I have applied my car’s brakes countless times just to satisfy that urge. Lately it is difficult for me to pass the ‘Yellow Stores,’ since I discovered that they display a veritable smorgasbord of Pringles chips! Seriously, many stores sell Pringles, and Pringles are the saltiest, savory-est self-indulgent-est snack on the planet! The Yellow Stores have displays of Pringles that are about four feet wide and three shelves deep, with EVERY possible Pringles flavor, from salt and vinegar to dill pickle, from cheddar cheese to scorchin’… yes, SCORCHIN’ sour cream and onion, (which I bought one recent day.) It just isn’t fair, when all I was doing was driving past the store on my way home! I know, it could be worse, but it’s bad enough.

I’ve never been much for New Year’s resolutions, because, as you can probably tell, and as I’ve said before, I can usually resist anything but temptation, (Please pray for me,) and resolutions don’t ever work out very well.

Still, I know that if I would like to lose weight in the coming year and not end up four feet wide like those Pringles displays, I’d better smarten up.

The other day I came across a familiar verse in The Bible that has always helped me whenever I have paid attention to it. Seriously, I am convinced that The Bible in total holds the solutions to all human problems, but this short verse will at least cover you if you’ve got a Pringles (or other) such vice.

The verse is Philippians 3:13 and it was written by the Apostle Paul. He was a guy with a decidedly ‘un-savory’ past and was determined to not return to his own old vices.

The verse: “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before.”

So, although I’m not a New Year’s resolution sort of guy, I’m trying to look straight ahead down the road until I get past the temptation of The Yellow Store, and just keep on heading home, forgetting those things which are behind.

Happy New Year!

 

While In the Check Yourself Line

 

By G. E. Shuman

 

I’m sure you’ve found yourself in line at the self-checkout at your local stuff-mart more times than you would like to admit, by now. I know I have. At first, after running stores and checking other people out for years, (no not that way) I hated the idea of checking my own ‘stuff’ out at a store. But now I’m used to it, and actually prefer it.

I’m also sure that, while you’ve been in those lines, you have noticed that you were still surrounded by things to buy. In my previous life as a retail manager, we called those things, ‘impulse items,’ and no other thing was ever as perfectly named as those. The entire purpose of placing those items right in front of your face as you are checking out is to grab a few more of your dollars as you wait for your turn to pay. “I might as well get that candy bar while I’m standing here,” goes through everyone’s mind at one time or another.

I’ve always been able to resist anything except temptation. For me, the temptation is not toward an actual candy bar, but a different little snack. My downfall would be a small bag of chips, (There’s no such thing as too much salt.) or, better yet, a nice bag of peanut brittle! I love that stuff, but infrequently buy it. I never look for it, rarely think about it, and never in my life have gone to a store to get it. Still, if it’s right in front of me, I might buy it. Just the other day I saw a hook full of bags of yummy peanut brittle hanging right there, tempting me, and mocking me for being in that stupid check- yourself line.

Retailers have known for decades that waiting in a line is the perfect time for impulse purchases, because, when it comes to peanut brittle and things like it, you can only resist for just so long. You will probably still be standing there, contemplating whether to grab one of those bags, when it’s your turn to go to the machine. (We used to call those machines cash registers, but most people don’t even use cash anymore, and they’re really only a bunch of (bleeping,) beeping barcode readers these days.)  No ‘cha-ching’ anymore.

Anyway, as I stood in line, my mind went, as it usually does, to irrational, unreal thoughts, like what if I really can’t wait to get some of that peanut brittle and eat it? And even, what if the brittle can’t wait for me? So strange.

I think it’s at times like these when strange people like me really need to contemplate how much the wait is worth, perhaps even weighing how much the peanut brittle is worth. After all, what truly IS peanut brittle anyway, when compared to other things in life? I thought as I waited, ‘peanut brittle is an enigma in many ways. It’s both crunchy and chewy; ‘brittle’ is sweet, but also salty, and PEANUTY!’ (I really need to stop going shopping when I’m hungry. Or maybe I need to get a life.)

But it IS valuable, in some way, or people wouldn’t buy it. Right? So, what would we be willing to trade for it? I also thought as I stood there. We would trade money, of course, or the brittle would never have been placed at that checkout in the first place. What more than money would we trade, considering our love for it, our hungry tummies, and the fact that we have already waited so long in that line? It is a thought worth thinking, at least if you’re me, and at least at that moment. We certainly wouldn’t trade a child or a spouse, but perhaps just an in-law or two? Who really knows. Let’s see… how many bags or boxes for one in-law?

I guess I did overthink peanut brittle, at least a little, while I stood there with my wife and our shopping cart. How do they make that stuff; why do they make it? How did they decide what to make it out of; how would they know how it would taste, and other such important thoughts that absolutely no one else in that check-yourself line was thinking.

Suddenly a register opened up and it was my turn to check out. Believe it or not I didn’t actually grab one of those little bags of brittle on that particular stuff-mart visit. I have no idea why not, just as you have no idea why I wrote this column, or, more importantly, why you just read it.

Still, the more a thing is mentioned, the more you read words like ‘peanut-brittle,’ and talk about ‘peanut-brittle,’ and imagine ‘peanut-brittle,’ the deeper it is planted in your consciousness, and, if you like the stuff at all, the more you will want it. Our brains are weirdly wired that way, and mine is, obviously, wired weirder than most. But if I’m right, the peg hooks and shelves of peanut brittle at Vermont stuff-marts and supermarkets may be getting empty soon. If so, they can thank me later.