Cars Aren't Much Fun Anymore

By G. E. Shuman

            My wife and I buy new cars. Actually, we lease them, we don’t buy them. For our purposes leasing works better than buying. The payment is reasonable, and, even though there is that payment, there are no thousand-dollar surprises like there used to be so many times when we owned VERY used, un-warranted vehicles.  I like that idea of no surprises, and the fact that if they break down it’s someone else’s problem. For me, long gone (hopefully) are the days when it was an adventure to climb into, on top of, or, most stressfully, UNDER a car, to solve one problem or another.  I am an English teacher, writer, editor, husband, father, grandfather, son, grandson… etc.  I am not, nor have I ever claimed to be, a mechanic. I can still change your brake pads or oil, but don’t tell me about your bad coolant pump or rotting exhaust system, please. So, as I said, in my family we buy or lease new cars, or purchase gently used ones, even if we have to scrimp somewhere else in the budget. I love warranties, guarantees, promises and roadside assistance, and don’t care who knows it. 

            Lately, though, I have been wondering about cars in general, and don’t like what I am wondering about.  You see, it seems to me that today’s cars, even though they are highly advanced in comparison to the ones I grew up with, are getting to be pretty boring. They just aren’t fun anymore.  The cheapest of them will get you, especially if nearly new, simply, anywhere.  Don’t get me wrong, the great quality of today’s cars is a wonderful thing.  And… I know, I just told you that I hate fixing cars, but today’s cars are not a challenge. A mechanic recently told me that if you keep your oil changed, today’s cars just go on forever. His opinion was that there isn’t a nickel’s worth of difference in quality between the brands anymore. To him, gone are the days when being a ‘Ford’ man, or a ‘Chevy’ man, or a ‘Chrysler’ man has any real meaning.  You can get into any of them and drive to Canada, Mexico, California, or Florida from here in Vermont, and never have to worry about whether or not you will make it. I drive a Kia, and you can do it in my car, too. That is a good thing… I guess. See how confused I am?

            My mixed feelings about this subject could just be because of the generation I hail from, and the cars we grew up with.  I am aged (I hate that word.) enough to not want to be out there changing a tie rod or solving some other mechanical problem, but the wonderful reliability of today’s cars, to me, really has taken some of the adventure out of owning one.  When I was a teenager, getting a set of new spark plugs for your car was a special event. Getting ignition wires to go with them was something to celebrate. I remember turning that ignition key, wondering if I had set the gap correctly on those new plugs, (Most people today probably think a gap is just that space between their front teeth.) and listening for the purr of that engine, freshly supplied with new, tuned-up power.  Today, none of that seems to mean anything.

            Before I finish whining, let me say this. Cars today are all about features. The truth is, they always have been. Have you noticed that? It’s just that today, most of those features have nothing to do with the performance of the car at all.  They are all just electronic stuff, and have become more addicting to adults than a play station to a pre-teen. No one wants to buy a car that has one less option than the last one they owned.  I know I don’t. Do you? My car has outside mirrors that fold in when you lock the car. I think they’re cool, but have no idea what the value of that dumb feature is, other than letting me tease my wife that her car doesn’t have them.  Yes, power ‘everything’ used to be what was looked for, and now power has little to do with it. Cramming the newest electronic gadget into the dash is what it’s about now, while half the car buyers out there probably don’t know if their car has four, six, or eight cylinders, and most of those couldn’t tell you what a cylinder is, anyway.  “Yup, I think I’ve got a two liter engine under that hood-thingy, and two liters of Diet Coke in the fridge.” Okay, so now I’ll stop whining. I do feel much better. Thank you. You folks out there really are my therapy.

I don’t know.  Having a great sound system, a rear view camera, satellite radio, a navigation system, electronic traction control, and electronic everything else available in a car today might be important to some people, and I guess that’s okay, not that anyone has asked for my permission.  To my generation a fresh oil change, a new air filter, clean spark plugs, a Turtle Wax shine, and the open road were way, way cooler.  

The $99 Cure

By G.E. Shuman

          

          Three weeks ago I went to my doctor for my semi-annual checkup, fix up, tune up visit. As I arrived at his office for the visit, it seemed like I had just left that place from the last one. Have you ever had that feeling? Time flies… especially lately. Over the years I have developed a good, casual relationship with this knowledgeable medical man I was about to see, and feel fairly comfortable discussing my health issues with him. Unfortunately, over the years, I have also developed lots for the two of us to talk about during the visits.  Heart problems, digestive issues, diabetes, high blood pressure, glaucoma, all of their related symptoms and medications, and, of course, weight gain, have sort of crept up on this once-trim, once healthy, once young person.  So have gray hair, wrinkles, and a general ‘old man’ curmudgeon-ism that I have actually grown a bit fond of. (Don’t mess with old people.) 

          Near the end of the visit my doctor said something that didn’t actually shock me, but did wake me up a bit.  He told me, in pretty straightforward terms, that I had a month to convince him that I could get the blood pressure and sugar numbers down, on my own.  He didn’t actually say, ‘or else’, and I don’t know what the ‘or else’ could have been, if he actually had an ‘or else’, as I was already pretty much on the maximum medication I can take for those particular complaints… not that I’m complaining. (Lately, taking all of my pills in the morning leaves little room for breakfast, but that’s another story.)

          Now, here’s where the $99 cure comes in.  I actually left the doctor’s office that day thinking about his admonition, instead of immediately forgetting most of what we had discussed, as I sometimes do. It’s my health, and my tired, fat old body, and all of that, but there was a tone of concern in his voice that shook me up, just a bit. So, I got into my car, went from that appointment over to the mall across from his office, and picked out a bicycle.  Don’t laugh at me… I really did.  And, it wasn’t just ANY bicycle.  It was a really sharp looking, shiny new green one, with a

comfortable seat, tires that looked like they could hold up my several hundred pounds, and only seven speeds, (so that I didn’t have to learn too much.)  Being a shiny new green one, it was perfect, AND, it was only $99.  I couldn’t believe it. 

          I immediately went home and talked to Lorna about the bike, (a lot,) and casually threw in a few words about the doctor’s appointment.  ‘Oh, woe is me… how can I possibly survive…?’ and stuff like that. That evening, (after she went to work,) I drove back to the mall, with my old bike rack already attached to the back of my car.  I headed for the sporting goods department of the store, hoping, and nearly praying that no one had bought ‘my’ bike before I could get back up there.  They hadn’t, so I did, and felt like a kid on Christmas morning as I wheeled the bike to my car.  It was actually strange that I was so excited about such a simple thing, at my age, no less. Go figure.

           The very next day I began a routine that has become an adventure I thoroughly enjoy and look forward to each morning. I will admit to being a bit grateful for an extra half hour of sleep on a few recent rainy days, but I generally am anxious to wake my tired old body up, and climb aboard that new bike.  Since that first day, each day that I can, I ride a predetermined route that covers over five miles of Barre, including our towns nicely wooded recreation path.  To date, after only these three weeks, I have lost eleven pounds, (Notice that I didn’t say ten pounds. I said eleven. One bag of rice thrown off a barge-full might not be noticed, but it still counts,) and I have reduced my blood pressure, considerably. My sugar numbers are still somewhat high, but when you’re as sweet as I am such things can take time to change.

          Now, here’s my admonition to you. If you are at all like me, which means that you are middle aged, (Okay, so middle age was a few years ago.), and feeling a lot fat and a little feeble, and if your favorite doctor has said something that suggests the words ‘or else’ to you, I would suggest that you go somewhere and get yourself a comfortable, sensible, sturdy bicycle. (If it’s a shiny new bright green one, all the better.) Then get out to the bike paths every morning that you can.  I can guarantee that you will feel better physically, and better about yourself in general. Wave to me if we pass each other.  I’ll be the one on the shiny new bike, with the slightly red face and the gray helmet, but without the eleven pounds.